She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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