Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
