the condom got lost in my hair
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
