Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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