my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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