I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
