when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
