So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
