i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
