I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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