If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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