we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
