You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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