On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
