the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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