She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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