Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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