well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
