Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
