Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i came on her dog
As shirtless as possible
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
