woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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