Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
