What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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