I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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