Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
