don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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