As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
