I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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