he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
