I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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