Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
