Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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