Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
