At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
