Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
