My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
