Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
