I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
