He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
