so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
soo... how was my night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
