Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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