This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
