i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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