i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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