Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
