I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
