I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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