The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
