Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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