i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
