I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
