WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
