theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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