She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
