Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
