The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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